Maybe good news.

Being made homeless is bad enough, has happened to me a lot of times, private landlords only seem to be interested in ripping people off. But when you have four children, two are disabled, one needs an operation next year, and social housing won't help (not saying can't coz they can....but a bed and breakfast 26 miles away from school and friends is no good and causes more problems) anyway am going to see if they'll help me buy my own house. Hate being homeless, sick of never feeling settled or secure. I can't afford to buy if i'm honest but already in thousands of pounds of debt so may as well go for more.

Be back later

Anyway, i couldn't sleep because things are getting on top of me lately and i'll blog about those soon, but i feel really angry at how my life has been. I have had a good cry as i've been typing all this out for almost three hours. And don't want to write any more now. As you can guess i have no one to talk to, probably because i reject anyone who comes near me now. Am so sick of being let down. I rely on me. But it's hard work sometimes. I have good things to blog about too, but i need to get my crap life out of my system. I want to change my life.

Alive at last

After being looked after so well at the hospital, i really did have some idea of what ppl do when they care for you. Even so i was crying constantly and desperate for someone to hold me, no one had cuddled me at the funeral or afterwards, so i had sex with my babies dad just to be held. Even tho i knew he didn't care about me. And i got pregnant straight again, this time i was numb, wasn't excited to feel the babies kicks, didn't want to know the sex of my baby, even in hospital i wasn't happy any more. The midwives were all great tho. And my consultant made sure i was looked after. But I felt nothing. My babies dad had a breakdown and set fire to a car and ended up in prison. This time i really was alone, i had been moved away from all my friends, 'social housing' isn't very social at all. but this time i had a glucose tolerance test and it turned out i had gestational diabetes and went on insulin, 4 injections a day and measuring out food was confusing, but somehow i managed it and had a gorgeous baby boy and as soon as he was born all the numbness disappeared, he was alive! I remember his face clearly, i was a mum, ok a single mum but so what, i did a really good job with him and his two brothers and sister. They have never gone without just so i could be selfish, i gave up drinking for good the day i had my eldest live baby and i love them so much and they're great kids.

Worst day ever

I went to my ante natal on my own, at this point i knew babies dad wasn't interested. And it started off ok,they asked how i was and i told them about the pains and doctor said it's probably an infection and they asked was baby ok when the doctor checked and i told them he didn't check us over, she looked worried as they'd happened days ago. So the midwife went to fetch a registrar, the registrar had me lie on the bed and felt my stomach and just said i want you to go for a scan. Then everybody left me on my own for ages after the clinic had finished and all the other pregnant women had gone. Am not sure how long it was but someone came and got me and took me for the scan. I remember them doing the scan and it was so quiet and lots of ppl doctors/midwives not sure who they were where there. And i remember starting to panic and saying whats wrong....and someone said they were so sorry the baby is dead. And i started screaming, then they kept telling me i had to get up but i couldn't move. Am not sure what happened from this point until i gave birth to my daughter. But she was beautiful, i know she was even tho i can't remember what she looked like. I can only remember the first few minutes i saw her lying in the cot, i could only see her from the back, she was lied on her side. I can remember that. I got to hold her for a few hours but i cannot remember what her face looks like. That really upsets me to this day, more than anything else in my life. She had an autopsy which found nothing and the hospital sorted out the funeral. After the funeral my mum said i should stay with them for a while and i went. But that day everyone who'd been to the funeral was chatting about how great their kids were, plus i didn't fit in with my family any nore after being away so long so i got the bus home on my own and got used to being on my own from now on.

System fail #2

Every hour they came, and i had no phone and was on my own and didn't know what to do. Even though i was 23 yrs old. So i waited until the pains had stopped then went to the phone box and called the doctor and asked her what i should do, and the woman on the phone said he would come out after he'd finished for the day. So i went home and waited. I know now that you should call your midwife and not the doctor. Anyway he came out sometime after seven at night and said i probably had a water infection and gave me a bottle to take a sample in. And went, he forgot to check or monitor my baby.
I didn't know that doctors got things wrong sometimes and didn't think to ask him to check my baby, and will never forget what happened the week after when i went for my ante natal appointment.

Got to 39 weeks!

Ok, i had to go into hospital 3 times, around the time of gestation i was with each miscarraige. So i went in, and loved it. Had three meals a day for the first time in 10 yrs, had a rest and slept solid for the first whole week, i woke up for food only! And at 16 weeks pregnant i was allowed home for good. I was amazed to get so far! I wanted two girls and was thrilled to find out that my baby looked like she was a girl, and babies dad looked after me too. I got a flat a couple of miles away from him and he got a job, so i hardly saw him any more from 7 months onwards. I was ok with this until my babies head engaged at 35 weeks, the midwife said i could go into labour at any time. And i asked my babies dad to move in with me but he didn't want to. My mum came up to see me once and brought some tatty baby clothes but it was nice to see her. It was the only time she ever visited me in my whole life. I'm 36 now. Anyway it was nice to see her. I did up my babies room all pink and spent ages putting cute pics up on the walls that i'd cut out of magazines, was still poor but proud. And the hostel gave me some furniture and a washing machine. And i got £100 maternity grant, which i spent on a pram and bottles, and other bits for the baby, it didn't go far. And by 39 weeks i woke in the night to pains every hour. But as i was alone i didn't know what to do.

Tests, tests, tests.

As soon as i came out of hospital i started drinking anything i could get my hands on. My brother was great and cooked me meals coz i wasn't eating....love you ste, thanks....and my hostel friends were great, tho we did all drink way too much. I was booked in for blood tests, the babys dad had dumped me so i went for them by myself, then waited. For the next 6 weeks my ex kept calling round. Stupidly i thought it was because he loved me so i got back with him, maybe he did love me? I have no idea tbh. Anyway i was pregnant before i got my results, so i went and got the results and the chromosomes tests turned out to be fine. I was ok. And she wanted me to go into hospital to rest so that i didn't lose my baby. I'll tell you in my next blog why this was the best thing ever!