Alive at last

After being looked after so well at the hospital, i really did have some idea of what ppl do when they care for you. Even so i was crying constantly and desperate for someone to hold me, no one had cuddled me at the funeral or afterwards, so i had sex with my babies dad just to be held. Even tho i knew he didn't care about me. And i got pregnant straight again, this time i was numb, wasn't excited to feel the babies kicks, didn't want to know the sex of my baby, even in hospital i wasn't happy any more. The midwives were all great tho. And my consultant made sure i was looked after. But I felt nothing. My babies dad had a breakdown and set fire to a car and ended up in prison. This time i really was alone, i had been moved away from all my friends, 'social housing' isn't very social at all. but this time i had a glucose tolerance test and it turned out i had gestational diabetes and went on insulin, 4 injections a day and measuring out food was confusing, but somehow i managed it and had a gorgeous baby boy and as soon as he was born all the numbness disappeared, he was alive! I remember his face clearly, i was a mum, ok a single mum but so what, i did a really good job with him and his two brothers and sister. They have never gone without just so i could be selfish, i gave up drinking for good the day i had my eldest live baby and i love them so much and they're great kids.

Worst day ever

I went to my ante natal on my own, at this point i knew babies dad wasn't interested. And it started off ok,they asked how i was and i told them about the pains and doctor said it's probably an infection and they asked was baby ok when the doctor checked and i told them he didn't check us over, she looked worried as they'd happened days ago. So the midwife went to fetch a registrar, the registrar had me lie on the bed and felt my stomach and just said i want you to go for a scan. Then everybody left me on my own for ages after the clinic had finished and all the other pregnant women had gone. Am not sure how long it was but someone came and got me and took me for the scan. I remember them doing the scan and it was so quiet and lots of ppl doctors/midwives not sure who they were where there. And i remember starting to panic and saying whats wrong....and someone said they were so sorry the baby is dead. And i started screaming, then they kept telling me i had to get up but i couldn't move. Am not sure what happened from this point until i gave birth to my daughter. But she was beautiful, i know she was even tho i can't remember what she looked like. I can only remember the first few minutes i saw her lying in the cot, i could only see her from the back, she was lied on her side. I can remember that. I got to hold her for a few hours but i cannot remember what her face looks like. That really upsets me to this day, more than anything else in my life. She had an autopsy which found nothing and the hospital sorted out the funeral. After the funeral my mum said i should stay with them for a while and i went. But that day everyone who'd been to the funeral was chatting about how great their kids were, plus i didn't fit in with my family any nore after being away so long so i got the bus home on my own and got used to being on my own from now on.