Alive at last

After being looked after so well at the hospital, i really did have some idea of what ppl do when they care for you. Even so i was crying constantly and desperate for someone to hold me, no one had cuddled me at the funeral or afterwards, so i had sex with my babies dad just to be held. Even tho i knew he didn't care about me. And i got pregnant straight again, this time i was numb, wasn't excited to feel the babies kicks, didn't want to know the sex of my baby, even in hospital i wasn't happy any more. The midwives were all great tho. And my consultant made sure i was looked after. But I felt nothing. My babies dad had a breakdown and set fire to a car and ended up in prison. This time i really was alone, i had been moved away from all my friends, 'social housing' isn't very social at all. but this time i had a glucose tolerance test and it turned out i had gestational diabetes and went on insulin, 4 injections a day and measuring out food was confusing, but somehow i managed it and had a gorgeous baby boy and as soon as he was born all the numbness disappeared, he was alive! I remember his face clearly, i was a mum, ok a single mum but so what, i did a really good job with him and his two brothers and sister. They have never gone without just so i could be selfish, i gave up drinking for good the day i had my eldest live baby and i love them so much and they're great kids.