Maybe good news.

Being made homeless is bad enough, has happened to me a lot of times, private landlords only seem to be interested in ripping people off. But when you have four children, two are disabled, one needs an operation next year, and social housing won't help (not saying can't coz they can....but a bed and breakfast 26 miles away from school and friends is no good and causes more problems) anyway am going to see if they'll help me buy my own house. Hate being homeless, sick of never feeling settled or secure. I can't afford to buy if i'm honest but already in thousands of pounds of debt so may as well go for more.

Be back later

Anyway, i couldn't sleep because things are getting on top of me lately and i'll blog about those soon, but i feel really angry at how my life has been. I have had a good cry as i've been typing all this out for almost three hours. And don't want to write any more now. As you can guess i have no one to talk to, probably because i reject anyone who comes near me now. Am so sick of being let down. I rely on me. But it's hard work sometimes. I have good things to blog about too, but i need to get my crap life out of my system. I want to change my life.

Alive at last

After being looked after so well at the hospital, i really did have some idea of what ppl do when they care for you. Even so i was crying constantly and desperate for someone to hold me, no one had cuddled me at the funeral or afterwards, so i had sex with my babies dad just to be held. Even tho i knew he didn't care about me. And i got pregnant straight again, this time i was numb, wasn't excited to feel the babies kicks, didn't want to know the sex of my baby, even in hospital i wasn't happy any more. The midwives were all great tho. And my consultant made sure i was looked after. But I felt nothing. My babies dad had a breakdown and set fire to a car and ended up in prison. This time i really was alone, i had been moved away from all my friends, 'social housing' isn't very social at all. but this time i had a glucose tolerance test and it turned out i had gestational diabetes and went on insulin, 4 injections a day and measuring out food was confusing, but somehow i managed it and had a gorgeous baby boy and as soon as he was born all the numbness disappeared, he was alive! I remember his face clearly, i was a mum, ok a single mum but so what, i did a really good job with him and his two brothers and sister. They have never gone without just so i could be selfish, i gave up drinking for good the day i had my eldest live baby and i love them so much and they're great kids.

Worst day ever

I went to my ante natal on my own, at this point i knew babies dad wasn't interested. And it started off ok,they asked how i was and i told them about the pains and doctor said it's probably an infection and they asked was baby ok when the doctor checked and i told them he didn't check us over, she looked worried as they'd happened days ago. So the midwife went to fetch a registrar, the registrar had me lie on the bed and felt my stomach and just said i want you to go for a scan. Then everybody left me on my own for ages after the clinic had finished and all the other pregnant women had gone. Am not sure how long it was but someone came and got me and took me for the scan. I remember them doing the scan and it was so quiet and lots of ppl doctors/midwives not sure who they were where there. And i remember starting to panic and saying whats wrong....and someone said they were so sorry the baby is dead. And i started screaming, then they kept telling me i had to get up but i couldn't move. Am not sure what happened from this point until i gave birth to my daughter. But she was beautiful, i know she was even tho i can't remember what she looked like. I can only remember the first few minutes i saw her lying in the cot, i could only see her from the back, she was lied on her side. I can remember that. I got to hold her for a few hours but i cannot remember what her face looks like. That really upsets me to this day, more than anything else in my life. She had an autopsy which found nothing and the hospital sorted out the funeral. After the funeral my mum said i should stay with them for a while and i went. But that day everyone who'd been to the funeral was chatting about how great their kids were, plus i didn't fit in with my family any nore after being away so long so i got the bus home on my own and got used to being on my own from now on.

System fail #2

Every hour they came, and i had no phone and was on my own and didn't know what to do. Even though i was 23 yrs old. So i waited until the pains had stopped then went to the phone box and called the doctor and asked her what i should do, and the woman on the phone said he would come out after he'd finished for the day. So i went home and waited. I know now that you should call your midwife and not the doctor. Anyway he came out sometime after seven at night and said i probably had a water infection and gave me a bottle to take a sample in. And went, he forgot to check or monitor my baby.
I didn't know that doctors got things wrong sometimes and didn't think to ask him to check my baby, and will never forget what happened the week after when i went for my ante natal appointment.

Got to 39 weeks!

Ok, i had to go into hospital 3 times, around the time of gestation i was with each miscarraige. So i went in, and loved it. Had three meals a day for the first time in 10 yrs, had a rest and slept solid for the first whole week, i woke up for food only! And at 16 weeks pregnant i was allowed home for good. I was amazed to get so far! I wanted two girls and was thrilled to find out that my baby looked like she was a girl, and babies dad looked after me too. I got a flat a couple of miles away from him and he got a job, so i hardly saw him any more from 7 months onwards. I was ok with this until my babies head engaged at 35 weeks, the midwife said i could go into labour at any time. And i asked my babies dad to move in with me but he didn't want to. My mum came up to see me once and brought some tatty baby clothes but it was nice to see her. It was the only time she ever visited me in my whole life. I'm 36 now. Anyway it was nice to see her. I did up my babies room all pink and spent ages putting cute pics up on the walls that i'd cut out of magazines, was still poor but proud. And the hostel gave me some furniture and a washing machine. And i got £100 maternity grant, which i spent on a pram and bottles, and other bits for the baby, it didn't go far. And by 39 weeks i woke in the night to pains every hour. But as i was alone i didn't know what to do.

Tests, tests, tests.

As soon as i came out of hospital i started drinking anything i could get my hands on. My brother was great and cooked me meals coz i wasn't eating....love you ste, thanks....and my hostel friends were great, tho we did all drink way too much. I was booked in for blood tests, the babys dad had dumped me so i went for them by myself, then waited. For the next 6 weeks my ex kept calling round. Stupidly i thought it was because he loved me so i got back with him, maybe he did love me? I have no idea tbh. Anyway i was pregnant before i got my results, so i went and got the results and the chromosomes tests turned out to be fine. I was ok. And she wanted me to go into hospital to rest so that i didn't lose my baby. I'll tell you in my next blog why this was the best thing ever!

Stupid

Without chris, i went into a hostel. I was 21 and glad the hostel existed, i took my brother with me as he had started taking drugs to cope with my dads abuse. I met a few junkies in the hostel, but managed to keep out of their way, got good at avoiding ppl since i was ten. But i did make friends with a bunch of alcoholics, and started to drink cheap cider constantly....i hooked up with one and we were not good for each other, he used me and my self esteem was really bad, i did have a chance to get back with chris and he asked me to marry him but didn't take it, am not sure why, i guess alcohol does make you make stupid choices. Anyway got pregnant again and stopped drinking immediately, but at 9 weeks i lost this baby too. This was the first time i felt depressed since living at home. I was 22 yrs old. Another d and c and booked in for blood tests.

Greedy

After i lost my nightmare job, i couldn't find work so was fed up. It was my first time not being able to get a job. Things went downhill from there, the landlord made us claim we were living in a bed and breakfast so he could get more money, then he would not let anyone in the shared house have the heating on (he boxed over it so we couldn't switch it on) and then he started charging us £10 council tax and £5 for one hour of heating a day. I'd lost my job and benefits were £30 a week, this crippled us and arguments started because we were too poor, cold, hungry and we split up. Chris moved out, i got thrown out because he could get more rent for my room if a couple were in it. A year later i got a letter saying he had claimed housing benefits for a year after i left. Private landlords can be incredibly greedy. I hope he had to pay it all back.

Nasty

What happened next was we moved again (yes had to get another deposit together, so now you see why we were too poor to eat) and into another rented room, at this point i got a job in a lamp making shop and was pretty happy. My boss was nice but his wife, who didn't even work there, was horrible, constantly being nasty. She even made me cry in front of everyone, i really hated her. Chris used to make me laugh when i got home from work tho, he was great! Still, i hadn't been drinking for a couple of years and she couldn't make me go back to the bottle, i'd had worse. I was glad when the shop closed down as it went bankrupt, the only time i'd ever been happy to leave a job. I kept in touch with everyone except her. And life was good.

Falling.

I fell for this guy big time, we got together and i ended up pregnant again, was so tired all the time but thrilled, was having the guy i loved's baby. It wasn't meant to be and at 12 weeks i lost the baby, i wasn't drinking but didn't eat...we were too poor...so at 19 yrs old i had to go for another d and c. I felt really sad this time and decided it probably was for the best as the conservative/tory party had made it so the poor were too poor to eat. We could not afford a child anyway. Plus we were living four floors up in an ok room (we'd moved) but can you imagine trying to get a pram up/down all them stairs. Yes, there was no housing in those days either (15 yrs ago). On a plus side i was getting on with my parents better now i lived over 200 miles away and never saw them.
Thankyou chris for loving me and taking me somewhere safe. I will always be grateful for that.

My saviour (no it wasn't jesus)

Like i said i was like that for two years, then a guy i worked with asked me to live with him....in london. I went! I was free! I had applied for housing away from my family but got nothing, this was my chance and i took it. I spent the next 18 months with him in a private rented home and was really happy, even tho we lived in one room, with green mould on the walls and no hot water (had to bath in cold, was freezing in winter) and no money, really i had a great time, just being free was amazing. I still have this guys name tattooed on my wrist to this day. We were really happy!

Foggy.

Well, unfortunately i started sleeping with men just so i had somewhere to stay the night, i even tried prostitution to get the money for somewhere to live, but i was scared walking the streets for money, so that didn't last long. I was 17 then, i started drinking heavily from first thing in the morning and that helped a lot. I continued doing this for two years and it worked, it got me away from 'home' or if i was there i was too drunk to notice, how i managed to hold down a job at this point i do not know. Maybe guardian angels work extra hard for the abused? All i remember of this time is having good friends and being kicked so hard in the leg that i still have a lump on it 19 years later. Steel toe caps can cause permanent damage. But drink blotted out everything, so it was ok.

System fail #1

Not long after that, i ended up on a yts, our boss was rubbish and never did anything but sit in her room doing paperwork or skiving, she was supposed to teach us catering. So obviously it was chaos, the older ppl there took over the cooking and the younger ones did all the cleaning. Eventually we got sick of this and we started going to the pub for dinner and staying there for the rest of the day. I had a lot of friends there tho, and most of them knew my dad was hitting me even tho i hadn't told them, and when he punched me in the face and broke my glasses everyone knew he'd done it. Some were sympathetic others tried to help. One girl took me to social services when i had a black eye, but the social worker wouldn't help me and told me i had to go to the police and not them. How could i go without making things worse for myself? That was the first time i asked the failing system for help.

Losing it.

I still wasn't eating so didn't get morning sickness. One day when i was 15 weeks pregnant i went to the toilet at a friends house, i was bleeding so i asked her for a tampon, and she asked why? I replied i had my period, she panicked and said you're not supposed to have your period when pregnant. I felt stupid, she walked me two miles home, where i had to tell my mum and she phoned for the doctor. I ended up on gynea ward, waiting for a scan to tell me if my baby was ok. Days later i got the scan, and was told i'd had a miscarraige. And they took me to the ward. One of the women there asked if i was ok and i told her i'd had a miscarraige So i'd probably be going home in a bit. She explained what a miscarraige was (just the baby had died and was still inside me, i thought a miscarraige was the baby had come out) and i spent all afternoon and that night wishing it wasn't in me, i did not want a dead body inside me. I had my first d and c the next day. Then another uncle brought me home, i remember seeing the babies dad driving behind us that day. Even though i was sad to lose the baby, later on in my life i realised how lucky i was to have a chance to grow up before i had kids.

Good time.

I got a job at 15 and my boss and workmates were great, it was a small buttie and pie shop, one of the girls who worked there noticed i never ate and kept trying to feed me :D . Anyway i loved my job and even though it didn't pay well i was happy. A guy from the shop next door asked me out and we were so happy for 7 months, then i found out i was pregnant. He wasn't happy and decided to own up to being married, i was gutted and felt really stupid for not knowing married men cheated on their wives. My dad punched me so hard in the head and it swelled up a lot, my uncle saw me and told me i needed to leave home but didn't tell me how to get away. I left my job at the buttie shop and got another job at a sewing factory, but was no good at the job and hated it. I lost the job after a few weeks. Nobody knew i was pregnant. And i don't think anybody cared anyway, not even me.

Growing up. Growing hard.

When i was about ten i remember wanting to get away from my family, i was always out of the house as much as possible. Family outings were picking fruit or flowers for my dads homebrew, which he drank or gave to his friends. I remember growing up in extreme poverty, meals were watery potato dishes or pies homemade by my mum filled with potato. I just stopped eating as the food was awful, and i was depressed as my dad kept punching and kicking me...i can't remember why he did it. This is the main reason why i have never drunk alcohol since i had my own kids. Anyway being a teen was rubbish at home.

The early years.

All i remember about being young is being told to eat all of my tea and that's about it. Oh and i had a doll called pie eyes because i shoved pie into it's eyes. And i liked learning about egypt, but was scared of the programme the boy who fell to earth, and my grandad came to pick me up from school once but i don't remember my mum or dad picking me up ever even though they must have done. Well that was my infancy...pretty simple so far.